You won’t believe what the week ahead has in store for YOU! Forget Mystic Meg! We’ve got former Ukip councillor Racist Roz here to read YOUR Horoscopes.
The Sun has reached your sign, making this the perfect time for you to unveil your theory linking Socialism to Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease. Your love life receives a welcome boost when you meet an attractive heterosexual person who, like you, has a deep-seated hatred of anything they don’t understand.
Your grandfather was killed in World War II, but don’t let that stop you speaking on his behalf. A new work colleague will arouse your suspicions by having a surname that ends in several vowels.
An increased use of exclamation marks and capital letters will get you noticed on social media websites. A visit to a fast food outlet will end in non-racist triumph when you share a joke with the Turkish man who’s serving you
Your opinions will miraculously align with your entire family and everyone you know. This will provide valuable ammunition when expressing your view that opinion polls are fixed.
You will face an uneasy journey to work when a man of Asian appearance wearing a rucksack boards your bus. The remainder of your journey will be spent sending emotional farewell texts to your family and friends.
A man at the bus stop will tell you to ‘fuck off’ when you insist that Muslims want to ban Christmas. Despite this rebuttal, you persevere by claiming that Eastern Europeans don’t have fingerprints. Beware the number 29,000,000!
The dangers of uncontrolled immigration will be at the forefront of your mind when you stub your toe while thinking about how an influx of foreigners could plunge your house into negative equity.
You will spend much of your day filled with anxiety after seeing an online Daily Express article entitled ‘Romanian Tidal Wave Crime Swamp!‘. After reading the article, you will leave a comment stating that only Ukip can save us.
A sense of optimism will quickly give way to a bitter resentment of those less fortunate than you. You will spend the afternoon cheering yourself up by leaving hate-filled diatribes on the Mail Online. You will face a lengthy wait in A&E after an attempt to block out lefty BBC multiculturalist mindrays ends up with you getting a saucepan stuck on your head.
A work colleague will belittle your views on climate change, leaving you with no alternative but to secretly put bleach in his coffee.
With summer approaching, you will spend much of the day looking for a holiday to book. To ensure you don’t end up in the uncomfortable position of being surrounded by foreign voices, you book two weeks in Benidorm.
Your views on political correctness will come under scrutiny when a work colleague openly sings ‘Ba-Ba Black Sheep’ without being arrested. You will find yourself in hot water when a sudden urge to dance the Funky Gibbon down Lewisham High Street is mistaken for being jaw-droppingly racist.