Accusations of racism are becoming increasingly common on social media websites, and this has intensified recently as more and more Ukip supporters work out how to access the Internet.
Navigating online forums and social media sites can be difficult if you’re a racist. One minute you’re discussing what constitutes a traditional Sunday Roast, the next you’re blaming the entire population of Eastern Europe for the breakdown of your marriage.
Follow our simple tips to help you avoid stepping over that fine line between being a non-racist and the organiser of a hate-fuelled lynch mob.
1. Get a foreign friend
Having a foreign friend is a brilliant way of deflecting accusations of racism. If you don’t know any foreign people then you can probably find one doing a job that you don’t want to do. If you’re struggling then watching a foreign movie on Netflix can provide good back up when expressing poorly researched opinions.
Example 1. Start a racist comment by saying: ‘I car-share with a chap who married a woman from Thailand and he told me that she’d told him *insert poorly researched opinion here*.’
Example 2. Follow up a racist comment by saying: ‘Before anyone accuses me of being racist, I watched a film with subtitles last night.’
Top Tip! When discussing immigration be sure to reveal how worried you are for your kids’ future. If you’re discussing the environment then sod ‘em.
2. Accuse your accusers of being racist
This is a great way of bamboozling your political opponents. You’ve just posted a 1000-word rant on Facebook about how Muslims wiped out the dinosaurs and someone’s left a comment voicing their disgust. Point out that Muslims aren’t a race, tell them they’re the real racists and watch them flounder.
Top Tip! The ‘Muslim World’ is not an actual place. It is not possible to deport people there.
3. Anecdotal Evidence
Have you ever tipped an Asian cab driver or refrained from setting fire to the bins outside a mosque? Save these examples up! They will prove invaluable for deflecting criticism of your views.
Example. ‘That joke can’t be racist because I told it to a waiter at The Nawab and he thought it was so funny that he had to go and get some fresh air.’
4. Claim You’re Just Saying What Everyone is Thinking
Demonstrating your psychic ability is a sure fire way of making your opinion more valid. Failing that, you can use the tried and tested method of hitting the Caps Lock key and using an excessive number of exclamation marks.
Top Tip! Liking far-right hate groups on Facebook is a great way of drawing attention to how abhorrent you find them.
5. Provide a Link That Backs up Your View
People may scoff at your claims that Romanians have developed the ability to breath underwater and are swimming inland undetected up our soft-touch river system. Link them up to the Daily Express and they’ll soon be eating their words.
Top Tip! Your political opponents will try and bamboozle you with facts, but are their sources as reliable as the bloke in the pub whose sister’s boyfriend works in customs at Gatwick?